The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Volume 02 Read online

  Produced by Tapio Riikonen and David Widger

  THE ADVENTURES OF FERDINAND COUNT FATHOM

  by Tobias Smollett

  COMPLETE IN TWO PARTS

  PART II.

  With the Author's Preface, and an Introduction by G. H. Maynadier, Ph.D.Department of English, Harvard University.

  CONTENTS

  CHAPTER XXXIX Our Adventurer is made acquainted with a new Scene of Life XL He contemplates Majesty and its Satellites in Eclipse XLI One Quarrel is compromised, and another decided by unusual Arms XLII An unexpected Rencontre, and a happy Revolution in the Affairs of our Adventurer XLIII Fathom justifies the Proverb, "What's bred in the Bone will never come out of the Flesh" XLIV Anecdotes of Poverty, and Experiments for the Benefit of those whom it may concern XLV Renaldo's Distress deepens, and Fathom's Plot thickens XLVI Our Adventurer becomes absolute in his Power over the Passions of his Friend, and effects one half of his Aim XLVII The Art of Borrowing further explained, and an Account of a Strange Phenomenon XLVIII Count Fathom unmasks his Battery; is repulsed; and varies his Operations without effect XLIX Monimia's Honour is protected by the Interposition of Heaven L Fathom shifts the Scene, and appears in a new Character LI Triumphs over a Medical Rival LII Repairs to the Metropolis, and enrols himself among the Sons of Paean LIII Acquires Employment in consequence of a lucky Miscarriage LIV His Eclipse, and gradual Declination LV After divers unsuccessful Efforts, he has recourse to the Matrimonial Noose LVI In which his Fortune is effectually strangled LVII Fathom being safely housed, the Reader is entertained with a Retrospect LVIII Renaldo abridges the Proceedings at Law, and approves himself the Son of his Father LIX He is the Messenger of Happiness to his Sister, who removes the film which had long obstructed his Penetration, with regard to Count Fathom LX He recompenses the Attachment of his Friend; and receives a Letter that reduces him to the Verge of Death and Distraction LXI Renaldo meets with a living Monument of Justice, and encounters a Personage of some Note in these Memoirs LXII His Return to England, and Midnight Pilgrimage to Monimia's Tomb LXIII He renews the Rites of Sorrow, and is entranced LXIV The Mystery unfolded--Another Recognition, which, it is to be hoped, the Reader could not foresee LXV A retrospective Link, necessary for the Concatenation of these Memoirs LXVI The History draws near a Period LXVII The Longest and the Last

  THE ADVENTURES OF FERDINAND COUNT FATHOM

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  OUR ADVENTURER IS MADE ACQUAINTED WITH A NEW SCENE OF LIFE.

  Just as he entered these mansions of misery, his ears were invaded with ahoarse and dreadful voice, exclaiming, "You, Bess Beetle, score a coupleof fresh eggs, a pennyworth of butter, and half a pint of mountain to theking; and stop credit till the bill is paid:--He is now debtor forfifteen shillings and sixpence, and d--n me if I trust him one farthingmore, if he was the best king in Christendom. And, d'ye hear, sendRagged-head with five pounds of potatoes for Major Macleaver's supper,and let him have what drink he wants; the fat widow gentlewoman fromPimlico has promised to quit his score. Sir Mungo Barebones may havesome hasty pudding and small beer, though I don't expect to see his coin,no more than to receive the eighteen pence I laid out for a pair ofbreeches to his backside--what then? he's a quiet sort of a body, and agreat scholar, and it was a scandal to the place to see him going aboutin that naked condition. As for the mad Frenchman with the beard, if yougive him so much as a cheese-paring, you b--ch, I'll send you back to thehole, among your old companions; an impudent dog! I'll teach him to drawhis sword upon the governor of an English county jail. What! I supposehe thought he had to do with a French hang-tang-dang, rabbit him! heshall eat his white feather, before I give him credit for a morsel ofbread."

  Although our adventurer was very little disposed, at this juncture, tomake observations foreign to his own affairs, he could not help takingnotice of these extraordinary injunctions; especially those concerningthe person who was entitled king, whom, however, he supposed to be someprisoner elected as the magistrate by the joint suffrage of his fellows.Having taken possession of his chamber, which he rented at five shillingsa week, and being ill at ease in his own thoughts, he forthwith securedhis door, undressed, and went to bed, in which, though it was none of themost elegant or inviting couches, he enjoyed profound repose after theaccumulated fatigues and mortifications of the day. Next morning, afterbreakfast, the keeper entered his apartment, and gave him to understand,that the gentlemen under his care, having heard of the Count's arrival,had deputed one of their number to wait upon him with the compliments ofcondolence suitable to the occasion, and invite him to become a member oftheir society. Our hero could not politely dispense with this instanceof civility, and their ambassador being instantly introduced by the nameof Captain Minikin, saluted him with great solemnity.

  This was a person equally remarkable for his extraordinary figure andaddress; his age seemed to border upon forty, his stature amounted tofive feet, his visage was long, meagre, and weather-beaten, and hisaspect, though not quite rueful, exhibited a certain formality, which wasthe result of care and conscious importance. He was very littleencumbered with flesh and blood; yet what body he had was wellproportioned, his limbs were elegantly turned, and by his carriage he waswell entitled to that compliment which we pay to any person when we sayhe has very much the air of a gentleman. There was also an evidentsingularity in his dress, which, though intended as an improvement,appeared to be an extravagant exaggeration of the mode, and at onceevinced him an original to the discerning eyes of our adventurer, whoreceived him with his usual complaisance, and made a very eloquentacknowledgment of the honour and satisfaction he received from the visitof the representative, and the hospitality of his constituents. Thecaptain's peculiarities were not confined to his external appearance; forhis voice resembled the sound of a bassoon, or the aggregate hum of awhole bee-hive, and his discourse was almost nothing else than a seriesof quotations from the English poets, interlarded with French phrases,which he retained for their significance, on the recommendation of hisfriends, being himself unacquainted with that or any other outlandishtongue.

  Fathom, finding this gentleman of a very communicative disposition,thought he could not have a fairer opportunity of learning the history ofhis fellow-prisoners; and, turning the conversation on that subject, wasnot disappointed in his expectation. "I don't doubt, sir," said he, withthe utmost solemnity of declamation, "but you look with horror upon everyobject that surrounds you in this uncomfortable place; but, nevertheless,here are some, who, as my friend Shakespeare has it, have seen betterdays, and have with holy bell been knolled to church; and sat at goodmen's feasts, and wiped their eyes of drops that sacred pity hathengendered. You must know, sir, that, exclusive of the canaille, or theprofanum vulgus, as they are styled by Horace, there are several smallcommunities in the jail, consisting of people who are attracted by themanners and dispositions of each other; for this place, sir, is quite amicrocosm, and as the great world, so is this, a stage, and all the menand women merely players. For my own part, sir, I have always made it amaxim to associate with the best of company I can find. Not that Ipretend to boast of my family or extraction; because, you know, as thepoet says, Vix ea nostra voco. My father, 'tis true, was a man thatpiqued himself upon hi
s pedigree, as well as upon his politesse andpersonal merit; for he had been a very old officer in the army, and Imyself may say I was born with a spontoon in my hand. Sir, I have hadthe honour to serve his Majesty these twenty years, and have been bandiedabout in the course of duty through all the British plantations, and yousee the recompense of all my service. But this is a disagreeablesubject, and therefore I shall waive it; however, as Butler observes:

  My only comfort is, that now My dubbolt fortune is so low, That either it must quickly end, Or turn about again and mend.

  "And now, to return from this digression, you will perhaps be surprisedto hear that the head or chairman of our club is really a sovereignprince; no less, I'll assure you, than the celebrated Theodore king ofCorsica, who lies in prison for a debt of a few hundred pounds. Heu!quantum mutatus ab illo. It is not my business to censure the conduct ofmy superiors; but I always speak my mind in a cavalier manner, and as,according to the Spectator, talking to a friend is no more than thinkingaloud, entre nous, his Corsican majesty has been scurvily treated by acertain administration. Be that as it will, he is a personage of a veryportly appearance, and is quite master of the bienseance. Besides, theywill find it their interest to have recourse again to his alliance; andin that case some of us may expect to profit by his restoration. But fewwords are best.

  "He that maintains the second rank in our assembly is one MajorMacleaver, an Irish gentleman, who has served abroad; a soldier offortune, sir, a man of unquestionable honour and courage, but a littleoverbearing, in consequence of his knowledge and experience. He is aperson of good address,--to be sure, and quite free of the mauvaisehonte, and he may have seen a good deal of service. But what then? otherpeople may be as good as he, though they have not had such opportunities;if he speaks five or six languages, he does not pretend to any taste inthe liberal arts, which are the criterion of an accomplished gentleman.

  "The next is Sir Mungo Barebones, the representative of a very ancientfamily in the north; his affairs are very much deranged, but he is agentleman of great probity and learning, and at present engaged in a verygrand scheme, which, if he can bring it to bear, will render him famousto all posterity; no less than the conversion of the Jews and theGentiles. The project, I own, looks chimerical to one who has notconversed with the author; but, in my opinion, he has clearlydemonstrated, from an anagrammatical analysis of a certain Hebrew word,that his present Majesty, whom God preserve, is the person pointed at inScripture as the temporal Messiah of the Jews; and, if he could onceraise by subscription such a trifling sum as twelve hundred thousandpounds, I make no doubt but he would accomplish his aim, vast andromantic as it seems to be.

  "Besides these, we have another messmate, who is a French chevalier, anodd sort of a man, a kind of Lazarillo de Tormes, a caricatura; he wearsa long beard, pretends to be a great poet, and makes a d---ed fracas withhis verses. The king has been obliged to exert his authority over himmore than once, by ordering him into close confinement, for which he wasso rash as to send his majesty a challenge; but he afterwards made hissubmission, and was again taken into favour. The truth is, I believe hisbrain is a little disordered, and, he being a stranger, we overlook hisextravagancies.

  "Sir, we shall think ourselves happy in your accession to our society.You will be under no sort of restraint; for, though we dine at one table,every individual calls and pays for his own mess. Our conversation, suchas it is, will not, I hope, be disagreeable; and though we have notopportunities of breathing the pure Arcadian air, and cannot, 'under theshade of melancholy boughs, lose and neglect the creeping hours of time,'we may enjoy ourselves over a glass of punch or a dish of tea. Nor arewe destitute of friends, who visit us in these shades of distress. Themajor has a numerous acquaintance of both sexes; among others, a firstcousin of good fortune, who, with her daughters, often cheer oursolitude; she is a very sensible ladylike gentlewoman, and the youngladies have a certain degagee air, that plainly shows they have seen thebest company. Besides, I will venture to recommend Mrs. Minikin as awoman of tolerable breeding and capacity, who, I hope, will not be foundaltogether deficient in the accomplishments of the sex. So that we findmeans to make little parties, in which the time glides away insensibly.Then I have a small collection of books which are at your service. Youmay amuse yourself with Shakespeare, or Milton, or Don Quixote, or any ofour modern authors that are worth reading, such as the Adventures ofLoveill, Lady Frail, George Edwards, Joe Thompson, Bampfylde Moore Carew,Young Scarron, and Miss Betsy Thoughtless; and if you have a taste fordrawing, I can entertain you with a parcel of prints by the bestmasters."

  A man of our hero's politeness could not help expressing himself in thewarmest terms of gratitude for this courteous declaration. He thankedthe captain in particular for his obliging offers, and begged he would beso good as to present his respects to the society, of which he longed tobe a member. It was determined, therefore, that Minikin should return inan hour, when the Count would be dressed, in order to conduct him intothe presence of his majesty; and he had already taken his leave for thepresent, when all of a sudden he came back, and taking hold of awaistcoat that lay upon a chair, "Sir," said he, "give me leave to lookat that fringe; I think it is the most elegant knitting I ever saw. Butpray, sir, are not these quite out of fashion? I thought plain silk,such as this that I wear, had been the mode, with the pockets very low."Before Fathom had time to make any sort of reply, he took notice of hishat and pumps; the first of which, he said, was too narrow in the brims,and the last an inch too low in the heels. Indeed, they formed aremarkable contrast with his own; for, exclusive of the fashion of thecock, which resembled the form of a Roman galley, the brim of his hat, ifproperly spread, would have projected a shade sufficient to shelter awhole file of musketeers from the heat of a summer's sun; and the heelsof his shoes were so high as to raise his feet three inches at least fromthe surface of the earth.

  Having made these observations, for the credit of his taste, he retired,and returning at the time appointed, accompanied Ferdinand to theapartment of the king, at the doors of which their ears were invaded witha strange sound, being that of a human voice imitating the noise of adrum. The captain, hearing this alarm, made a full stop, and, giving theCount to understand that his majesty was busy, begged he would not takeit amiss, if the introduction should be delayed for a few moments.Fathom, curious to know the meaning of what he had heard, applied to hisguide for information, and learned that the king and the major, whom hehad nominated to the post of his general-in-chief, were employed inlanding troops upon the Genoese territory; that is, that they weresettling beforehand the manner of their disembarkation.

  He then, by the direction of his conductor, reconnoitred them through thekeyhole, and perceived the sovereign and his minister sitting on oppositesides of a deal board table, covered with a large chart or map, uponwhich he saw a great number of mussel and oyster shells ranged in acertain order, and, at a little distance, several regular squares andcolumns made of cards cut in small pieces. The prince himself, whoseeyes were reinforced by spectacles, surveyed this armament with greatattention, while the general put the whole in action, and conducted theirmotions by beat of drum. The mussel-shells, according to Minikin'sexplanation, represented the transports, the oyster-shells wereconsidered as the men-of-war that covered the troops in landing, and thepieces of card exhibited the different bodies into which the army wasformed upon its disembarkation.

  As an affair of such consequence could not be transacted withoutopposition, they had provided divers ambuscades, consisting of the enemy,whom they represented by grey peas; and accordingly General Macleaver,perceiving the said grey peas marching along shore to attack his forcesbefore they could be drawn up in battalia, thus addressed himself to theoyster-shells, in an audible voice:--"You men-of-war, don't you see thefront of the enemy advancing, and the rest of the detachment followingout of sight? Arrah! the devil burn you, why don't you come ashore andopen your batteries?" So saying, he push
ed the shells towards thebreach, performed the cannonading with his voice, the grey peas were soonput in confusion, the general was beat, the cards marched forwards inorder of battle, and the enemy having retreated with great precipitation,they took possession of their ground without farther difficulty.